I Can't Breath
by BadGurl
Summary: Jigii thinks about Kasumi, and what might have been.


I have no clue as to why more of these fics aren't around! This was my most favorite episode of pokemon!! I always thought pokemon was like the teletubies or something, prolly because ash was in them. So I just stuck 2 the manga. Which is why I'm using the jap names because I just don't like the show very much. But then I saw this episode! C'mon peoples! This was one of the most meaningful episodes in the whole show!! (sigh) T_T oh well, good taste is so rare today anyways Y_Y, hope ya like it! Bies!  
Satoshi-Ash, Kasumi-Misty, Jigii-Rudey, Takeshi-Brock.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I C a n ' t B r e a t h  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
You and me   
We used to be together   
Everyday together always   
  
  
Was it her hair or eyes he loved most about her? Its was morbidly funny when he thought about it. It seemed she only looked most beautiful when she was hurting him. Her eyes would take over a misted look truly living up to her names meaning. It was only a few weeks ago that he was standing on the shore smiling and waving good by to her. His little sister mirroring her sad smile. It was as if he was the only one who looked happy. Other than the brat. No. No hard feelings. Not now. She had chosen Satoshi. She had chosen and she didn't even know it. The brat had no idea what he had. i didn't bother to brush the stray chocolate locks as they began to cling to his cheeks with tears. He had   
been happy for everyone else, no it was time to be crushed for himself.  
  
  
I really feel   
That I'm losing my best friend   
I can't believe   
This could be the end   
  
  
His sister was hurting too. Her new dolls houses and Barbie's just seem as worthwhile as moping to her anymore. He had expected her to bounce back. What ever happened to children having short attention spans? But no, she walked around the house; he'd occasionally find her sitting in her room alone just brushing her dolls hair. i didn't know his little sister had such high hopes for her. But then again. It had always been just them. Even when their parents would shove them to the other and back again, it had been just them, when he had finally gotten sick of it and began to train his pokemon furiously for money, it had been just them, to the time he finally bout a gym, their new home, it had been just them. He never knew it had been this hard on her. But being raised by a boy couldn't have compared to the nurturing female touch she seemed to crave. And like her, he had hoped that she would be that touch. For them both.  
  
  
It looks as though you're letting go   
And if it's real   
Well I don't want to know   
  
  
Everything in his life he had strived for. Everything he ever had he had to suffer for. When he had taken his sister with him he had to suffer for two. But through it all he had managed to keep his confident façade to pacify them both. He had supported the pokemon to be trained, the mouths to be fed, and the home to be paid for. And he could have supported her. He could have made her happy. He would have made her happy. Where did he go wrong? He had basically asked her to live with him, was that coming on too strong? Had he scared her off? Was it his own fault? But she had lived with that Satoshi child at her own free will. Surely that couldn't have been the problem. So what was? Why wasn't she holding him now? Why wasn't she gently wiping away the salty tears sticking to his cheeks? Why wasn't she here for him to protect? For him to kiss and make feel warm? Why didn't she love him? An excruciating sob racked his built frame.  
  
  
Don't speak   
I know just what you're saying   
So please stop explaining   
Don't tell me cause it hurts   
Don't speak   
I know what you're thinking   
I don't need your reasons   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
  
  
His little sister had begged him to go after her. It would be just like in the all the storybooks teacher reads her, she had said. has simply shook his had gently lifting her off his lap replying that it didn't work like that. As usual she would follow him around the house asking him why and pouting. Why? Why. That was definitely the question of his life. Why didn't his parents want him, why couldn't he live a normal teenage life, why did nothing seem to go right, why did bad things happen to good people, why didn't she stay. It was beginning to make a pattern. A very painful pattern weaving his life like a toy. Life goes on. He had heard that somewhere. Fall and try again. He had heard that too. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. One of the most idiotic sayings every to sear his eardrums. He had a feeling these people had never actually practiced what they preached.  
  
  
Jigii stepped bare footed along the soupy floor moping up the little ones latest mess of finger paint. But this time he couldn't find the heart to be angry with her. He glanced over at the refrigerator seeing the fruits of her mess and remembering the anger on his face when he had seen the floor, and the body crushing cries that came from him when he saw what she had been working on. He couldn't have held it in any longer. The pain, hurt, betrayal, all swimming around in his heart. And some how he saw it all in this gaudy scribbled work on art. Little stick figures, one with chocolate hair with his arm wrapped around one with vibrant orange hair, and a small one with lighter chocolate hair in the middle holding their hands. Little sideways letters scrawling, 'JI-CHAN, SUMI-NIICHAN, AND ME'. It was a stab in the chest from a forbidden future. It was Kami mocking him with his own dreams of a happy life. Now he knew the truth. He could never have it. For once hard work and suffering wouldn't get him what he wanted. What he needed.  
  
  
Our memories   
They can be inviting   
But some are altogether   
Mighty frightening   
  
  
He used the splintered old mop as a last second support before putting it away. Memories flashed him mind as he trudged up the stairs to his room.   
  
-flash-  
  
"You're gonna stay aren't ya Sumi-chan? My brother likes says if ya do you can be my big sister!"  
  
-flash-  
  
"I really want you to stay Kasu-chan. Please, think about it."  
  
-flash-  
  
"Satoshi-baka!! Fight! What's the matter with you!?"  
  
-flash-  
  
'she-she wants him'  
  
-flash-  
  
A hand squeezes his. Tears brush her eyes.  
  
"I'm so sorry Ji-chan."  
  
"No more."  
  
-end flashbacks-  
  
  
As we die, both you and I   
With my head in my hands   
I sit and cry   
  
  
Perhaps it was just him. But his room seemed but darker than before. Much bigger. It made him feel like a little boy lost in his own backyard. Jigii shook his head free of those thoughts and proceeded to remove his black vest and white dress shirt. Why did he dress this way at all? Who was there to impress? His little sister? His opponents? Certainly not her. He once would have spent a million yen on hair spray and gel had he found a single hair out of place, now,…….now it just all lost its meaning, its own place as he had said. How cliché. If a tree falls to the ground who really is there to hear it? The bar of soap would have been in his mouth by now had he ever said something so corny in the past. But not now, now it was different. Dancing, hearing the beautiful music, dressing to impress, intimidating his opponents. What was the point of it all? He remembered how long it took to teach his pokemon those moves, the bond he felt, the adrenalin of battle, it all seemed wasted. When he saw it in the big picture was it just some sort of cosmic preparation for her? To see if all that he had learned would be enough? The truth hurt, many people couldn't handle it. Lies would be sweet to hear right about now.  
  
  
Don't speak   
I know just what you're saying   
So please stop explaining   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
Don't speak   
I know what you're thinking   
And I don't need your reasons   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
  
  
He had never felt a pain in his heart like this. And Jigii prayed he'd never feel it again. It often left him curious as to what he would have felt had he heard her say yes. Yes I'll stay with you. Yes I'll love you. Yes I'll never leave. Yes I'll marry you. He could hear her voice saying these over and over again to him. Maybe it was just the wind against the windows. But it was beautiful to hear. He remembered when he first saw her. Her vibrant tangerine hair sparkling in the sunlight. Her beautiful lime eyes flashing at him with happiness and excitement. Excitement for what? It was just one of the many things he loved about her. It could be the dullest moment in the history of the human race and she could still spark with adrenalin of what may happen. Like a child in line to go down a water slide. His body warmed as she cooed over his Starmie, he had even offered to breed his with hers. She had blushed and immediately turned to another pokemon.   
  
-flash-  
  
"This food is delicious Ji-kun!"  
  
-flash-  
  
"Aw, starmie-kawaii!"  
  
-flash-  
  
"Your home is so beautiful, I wish mine was like this."  
  
-flash-  
  
"Yeah, I know all about it. I was nothing but a little hand-me-down with my family too."  
  
-flash-  
  
"Eh I-I'm not a very good dancer Ji-san."  
  
-end flashbacks-  
  
  
It's all ending   
You gotta stop pretending who we are   
  
  
Jigii stripped down to his boxers not bothering to pick the forgotten items from the strewn place on the floor and varied furniture. He lifted the covers from his bed softly letting them outline his lithe frame. Putting his hands behind his head he stared at the ceiling. She would be sleeping in the room right next to him. Her bed was right next to his with the exception of the wall between them. He could have probably heard her breathing. All he heard now was the air vent. His hand lifted to brush a piece of hair that had fallen into his eyes obstructing his view of patterns on the ceiling above. He began to see the curve of lips into a smile. A sweet innocent smile looking down at him as if asking him to come play. Jigii had never felt so alone in his entire life. No one knew what this was like! Wondering if she was happy while he was suffering non-stop. Physically hurting himself just to take his mind off the pain. The self-pity, shame, hurt, it just never went away.  
  
  
You and me   
I can see us dying, are we?  
  
  
He knew he wasn't going to sleep; he had no idea why he went to bed anyways. 3:00 a.m. wasn't that late was it? It quietly turned on the light lifting a small wallet sized piece of paper with his other hand. It was the only picture he had of her. His little sister snapped it while they were dancing. Their faces expressed a carefree look and happiness when it was taken and a startled one after. Jigii had scolded her of course but only half-heartedly; she hadn't taken him seriously anyways because of the slight curve of a smile on his face. He had thanked her after she had gone to bed. He thought he had memorized every single slight hint of detail in her face. But every time he looked there was something different about her that he hadn't seen before. Her eyes seemed deeper now. More expressive. They spoke to him without words. Saying thank you, I'm happy, this is wonderful. Saying everything but I love you.  
  
  
Don't speak   
I know just what you're saying   
So please stop explaining   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
Don't speak   
I know what you're thinking   
I don't need your reasons   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts   
I know what you're saying   
So please stop explaining   
Don't speak   
Don't speak   
Don't speak   
I know what you're thinking   
And I don't need your reasons   
I know you're good   
I know you're good   
I know you're real good   
  
  
He frowned angrily throwing the picture away from him as if it had some sort of disease. It was only seconds until he threw himself right after it. He fell out of bed but managed to land on his hands and knees to break his fall. He lunged for the air swirling picture in the back of his mind wondering how it flew like that. Then realizing he had left the window open for the breeze to cool the room down. Now more frantic than ever to get the picture back. To get the only thing he had of her back. To hold only and illusion. It was as if it was the only thing keeping him going anymore.  
  
  
La-la-la-la-la  
La-la-la-la-la  
Don't  
Don't  
Oh, oh, hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush  
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts  
Oh, hush, hush darlin'  
Hush, hush darlin'  
  
  
He began to panic as it repeatedly slipped through his clutching fingers. It gusted to his side and his head whipped in its direction. Without thinking he leaped for it ignoring the pain as his knee was slammed painfully against the window wall. He insanely clawed up from his bended knees almost throwing himself out the window. He half hung out the sill almost falling making vain grasps at the downward floating item. He grunted pulling more of his body out to get it before it became to out of reach and withered into the water below. He was only grasping at straws now. It had been floating out of arms length for minutes. Tears raced down his face dripping into the water as he desperately reached for nothing. With a final sob his body went limp. Limp and accepting. He watched through eyes more ripping than the water below. It was as if the water was incasing him and not the precious item. Smiling faces grew dimmer as its floating time grew short. The waves began to push it down, his own tears acting as devious little minions. He sobbed, his seemingly lifeless body still strewn over the windowsill and his arm still reaching for something it couldn't have. He seemed to have one last plea with the kami. To give him back the only thing he hadn't taken from him. But it was all for not. It was over; it was like the tears were drowning him. His air was gone. He couldn't breath anymore.  
  
"Kasumi-koishii."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ok so what'd ya think? I mean really! We all know Rudey couldn't have been lil' miss mary sun shine when Misty left! Some one please right a rudey/misty-jigii/kasumi or whatever u wanna call it! Pwwweeeeeeeezzzzzzzeeee??(gives bambi eyes)  



End file.
